Praise; 18yrs SLOW

Tru here with a Prayer of thanksgiving;

My dementia Journey began 18 years ago when I was 41 years old; the last half of February, 1999.

That week was my first experiences of cognitive dys-abilities.
We had been married almost 7yrs.
Three of our four children were out of High School,
and I was currently Secretary to the Controller of National Health Plans.
But something happened and I could not operate tub faucet, spell daughter’s name, or recall recent events. This is what I wrote:

i am SCARED

God, this can’t be happening to me!

I’m still too young!

Malfunction of muscles and joints I can accept,

but not malfunction of my mind!

… i’m scared.

I thought I had time.

I thought I had a life of ministry ahead of me.

What if I never get better?

… i’m scared.

This isn’t what I had in mind for my life,

but is it what YOU had in mind all along?

It’s really hard to trust ANYONE

with something as precious as my memories!!

… But, how can I not trust you?

You are the ultimate in knowledge and love.

(But, … G0D, … i’m still scared.)

written 2/24/99 (41yo)

First noted cognitive decline February 1999. Cognitive abilities improved within several weeks, but did not return to their prior levels and the next year I lost my job, driver’s license, etc. Both physical and Cognitive dys-abilities were my cause for SocSec disability status in 2000. Then I met my current doctor in 2001.

For 10 years he watched my cognitive abilities slowly further decline, then did the prelim MRI and blood tests for various nutrients that might be causing dementia symptoms BEFORE he gave the tentative dementia diagnosis. I must have received my tentative diagnosis almost exactly 6yrs ago, because i wrote this FaceBook entry on March 1, 2011.

March 1, 2011: “Steve Brown once said that
he thinks every time an unbeliever gets cancer then a believer gets cancer also,
so the world can see the difference.
I imagine that is true of dementia also.
I trust JHWH.

Don’t panic on my behalf, please.
Instead offer praise that we can put our confidence in His decisions,
& praise that once again He has given us the opportunity to put our trust in Him &
we can relax in that confidence.”

I can relax and put my trust that since He did not intervene and prevent this particular journey, then He will provide everything necessary to sustain every genuine NEED. If I am truly listening, completely obeying, and whole-heartedly loving, then He will sustain me up until the best time to leave this earth … when i go on to what comes next.

… And so my cognitive abilities have continued to decline in these 6 years.

I thank G-d that my cognitive abilities have declined so very slowly. In some ways the decline has been torturously slow, with the awareness of grief process for each downward step, but slow enough for me to consciously develop further compensation strategies as I continue on this journey. This has also given me time to become very invested in various dementia advocacy projects.

I appreciate these gifts and will keep trying to use them wisely, honoring my maker, and honoring the path He did not prevent. … The same path my grandmothers walked.

“I am from facing pain, loss – and death – with truth AND dignity.
I am from facing love, joy – and life – with kindness AND honesty.”
Truthful Loving Kindness
(closing statements of my 2007 prose at https://truthfulkindness.com/bnp/part-1/intro-from-tlk/ )

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Index for spiritual journal is at >> https://truthfulkindness.com/about/life-other/spiritual/

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