The Hole in my Impulse-Filter of Self-Control
Tru here. Due to several factors in my life and history, I have always had an iron-strong stubbornness with my own self-discipline.
More than one of my supervisors have remarked their appreciation that once I said I would do something, they could forget about it, they could consider the task as well as done. Doctor said “when I said to cut your fat intake to as low as possible I didn’t really mean for you to cut your fat THAT low. Etc.
I could handle my own self-control but I might get very angry if you torture me by setting that luscious donut on my desk for three minutes.
Now I am discovering a big hole in that self-control.
I cannot eat wheat or will be sick more than a week. But I am no longer safe with bread in the kitchen.
It has not been surprising that I will decide to do something and then forget to follow thru. (Consider it a memory issue, not self-control.) But now …
Impulse to say something to my friends in Dementia Mentors video cafe. Realized I should not say it and stopped myself before it was out of my mouth. But then that night husband told me “You know, you should wait before you talk about that.” I said “But I didn’t; I thought about saying it but I didn’t actually talk about it at all. I didn’t even bring up the subject!” Husband said, “Sorry, but yes you DID say it”. Called my friend. She agreed that I had said it. huhmph!!! I am SURE I stopped myself, so I must have thought of it again later … and NOT stopped myself.
I am discovering the Ritz crackers are already in my mouth! How did they get there? I would never purposely eat gluten!
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Remember when Teepa Snow had us put our hands in front of forehead, then illustrated impulse filter? Well lately I am seeing that demonstrated in my own life; my impulse-control is getting a hole in it.
This is really devastating. My iron-strong stubbornness of self-control is a big part of my personhood. Can I still BE reliable Truthful Loving Kindness .. if I cannot even rely on myself? As far as talking, it comes back to what I said three months ago; the only secrets I know I can keep … are the ones I forget. So again; if you don’t want me to spill the beans … don’t put them in the pot !
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Tru, thanks for the look into the changes you are going through.
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Thank you, Mike. 😀 We all do what we can 😀 — Tru
Don’t beat yourself up about it, Tru. Notice it and move on. Just because you had an issue with your impulse control doesn’t mean you are a terrible person. Your name is “Truthful Loving Kindness” and truthful is what you were. Sometimes when we censor ourselves we are not being our truthful selves. I hope others have the compassion and understanding to allow you to be who you are without judging you and that includes yourself!
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